give up the fight

I was born sensitive. I was the emotional child. Now, I find myself asking for the fluorescent lights to be turned off in meeting rooms and requesting to be moved away from fellow travelers wearing chemical perfumes. I won't eat factory-raised foods.

I'm high maintenance. I admit it.

I have spent much of my life tending to my highly sensitive nature. Recently, I spent 8 days in a workshop where my light sensitivity became central to my experience.

I discretely asked the organizers, as I often do, if I could choose an alternate lighting for the room, which they gladly gave, until the realization that the filming being done was too dark.

Panic set in thinking of spending 8 hours a day, for the remaining 5 days, under what can only be described as a sensory and bodily assault for me.

I could tell that the facilitator was growing weary of my needs as I turned on and off the lights as I entered the room, along with before and after the filming. He asked me during a break, "What do you when you can't control the lighting?" I said, "I leave as quickly as I can."

He and I said a few more words and instead of bracing against what he was saying, I just listened from my tattered state of many hours of exposure that day.

I cried voraciously that night and more in the morning.

I was speaking to a friend who pointed out my defended stance, ready for a fight. Then, suddenly, I could see the part of me that had so diligently defended my sensitive parts. And how that fight was no longer needed.

I could ask and adapt, if needed. Simple.

Sweet revelation - a blind spot no more.

So, when I returned to the meeting room I talked to the group about what had happened for me. How I was gifted with this insight and how free it felt to not be trapped inside it. The kind facilitator acknowledged his irritation he had the day earlier, and how he had been thinking of me, and the situation we were in, and wondering about it.

I felt us both be liberated from something - me from the fight and him from something unnamable that gave him more compassion for me, and many others to come, I'm certain.

When we finished talking I walked over and turned on the fluorescent lights for the filming to begin.

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Valerie Kausen1 Comment