I liken it to sharing only the photos where I look good, I don’t want to be seen sometimes. I feel withdrawn, unsure, unloveable. And so I wait it out. Cleaning the house. Balancing my financial accounts. Taking baths. Connecting in ways that I feel capable of. But waiting to be seen until I look and feel good seems like a waste of precious moments.
So, what is it I don’t want you to see exactly?
Perhaps that I am very human. Messy. Out of sorts sometimes?
When I am giving my full attention to another person, as I do in my work, there is no resistance to showing up and being seen. It’s when I’ve got too much time to think, not enough people to connect with that seems to be when the disconnect with myself begins.
So, the antidote is just show up here and now just as I am. Eyes still a bit puffy from crying, grief still running through from my Dad’s passing earlier this year and still learning how to lean into life when I want to hide.
It’s raining here in Louisville today. I love the rain. Any weather changes really as growing up in Southern California was so full of sunny days that snow and wind and rain are still child-like delights for me.
I’m here. I’m ready for more clients. I have a lot to give right now.