i bought myself flowers

When I returned from Costa Rica after the most powerful physical and emotional healing week of my life at Rythmia, I was full of “right next steps” as my friend Joanna says. I could see my life, business, body, habits clearly and knew the path before me. I felt unwavering and free. A lot of energy followed as my work with clients and interactions with friends felt in flow and on fire. I felt a deep rightness in myself.

I was working with a female client and asked, “do you have someone in your life that you see as free in her sex and at home in her body?” she paused and said, “you”. That felt like a miracle to be seen that way and to actually feel that way inside. I felt the force of the feminine and my love of “her” moving wildly through me. It felt the tide had turned and I was deep in the waters of my life instead of watching from the shore as I’d felt so often before.

After months of being with others I found myself alone in a house for several days. I noticed an exhaustion and fog roll in. I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t remember the bigger view or any of the “right next steps”. Like I slipped into the doldrums (as I so vividly remember the feeling of in my grandfather’s animated version of The Phantom Tollbooth). When I was with clients the fire and view returned instantly and then retreated the same way it came.

I know myself well enough to know these cycles are something like a system reboot or a deep cleaning of a public pool. It takes as long as it takes. I have friends who understand these cycles and friends who question that they are valid and should be heeded. I see that there parts of me that doubt the worth of these times and that is why I am effected by the comments or tone when I share about where I am. I have learned to cloister and wait it out, not communicating with those who have a different view, I did this a lot with my father when he was alive. Waiting till I felt buoyant again before I made the call.

I have mixed feelings about sequestering myself, not wanting to be seen there. It’s perhaps partially necessary for the depth of clearing and reorganizing that’s happening, but it also plays into the cultural norm “you must look good to be seen”. The subtle pervasive judgments of myself and others that litter my days. This dualistic view is the root of suffering in many schools of thought and belief systems. From my very personal empirical evidence when I’m connected to a larger view that we are all a part of something larger (whatever your choice of word is) and that from that perspective I belong here just as I am. And so do you.

In the midst of the doldrums I bought myself flowers. I hadn’t done that in years. Often for others, perhaps I’d enjoy them till they returned home or it was for a party and I enjoyed them after. But not just for me. I was buying food for myself and that voice inside said, “buy yourself some flowers”. I hemmed and hawed and made myself do it. But what it did was plant a sweet seed of love and acceptance that I got to see and feel every time I looked at them.

It supported my inner intelligence in knowing I’m listening, so she started speaking more often.

I organized the space I was in because I wanted to take in the beauty fully.

I got inspired about some creative projects brewing.

Integration comes in many different forms for each of us. Learning a deeper ability to welcome myself in all my faces and feelings is a life-long education I’m assuming, but I won’t know until I’m not comparing where I am to where I was or where I think I should be. “It’s a long game” as a friend reminds me. Glad to be in it with you.

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Valerie KausenComment