I’m not afraid anymore

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I recently watched the beautiful and poignant 2006 film The Fountain again. There’s a moment when Rachel Weisz’s character, who is near the end of her life, says, “I’m not afraid anymore.”

I had a moment last night of feeling a shift in myself and I spontaneously said over and over internally, “I’m not afraid anymore.”

This past year has been a broad spectrum of life exploration, self-knowledge and understanding of my own edges. It felt like a very long year looking back on the travels externally and internally. An epic year I might name it.

Life came back into me after my transition from Louisville to OC in 2017. I made new friends. Let my body be moved by more live music than I’ve ever seen in one year. Had sex with people I literally just met (yes, more than once it occurred, very unusual for me.) I lost 25+ pounds without effort within a couple months. I felt happy. Deeply and truly happy. I also, felt deeply and truly flat and lifeless.

These extremes have taught me who I am at those edges. How I respond to myself when I’m not behaving as I think I should. This especially arises around my business and making money. I see my peers soaring and taking up the space that is shaped and filled by their unique and beautiful expressions. If I compare myself to them, I contract. If I feel joy for them, I soften. I heard someone say that if we can see it in another, it is in us. I feel this. It’s longing not comparison that is the truth. 

The longing to be expressed and well used by life and love.

Near the end of the year I went into a downward spiral from what appeared to be a long lasting virus. No energy, motivation, inspiration or movement on pretty much any front. I felt heavy and weak. My mind showed all of its viruses as well. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it through to space, intuition and creation again. That I would be left to rot in the doldrums and no-one would notice. 

Perhaps that is what I wanted, to be left behind to prove my fears were right: nothing I have to say or give is actually needed.

I didn’t realize that this gremlin was residing comfortably in my unconscious spewing messages of instability and meanness – gaslighting me from within. But there it was in all that “not doing anything of great importance.” The vile nature of how I treated myself, the sludge at the bottom that hadn’t been stirred up yet.

A few days ago, I started feeling some movement. Started back at yoga, continued purging and organizing my many boxes that have travelled decades with me, ideas began to arise again. And last night when I had the internal shift from fear to something else, maybe an acceptance leaning toward a grounding down into self-love (it’s subtle yet pervasive) I felt my connection to life change.

A willingness to not be perfect perhaps? Not trying to hide or get away from that sludge and not race toward, “I’m so glad that’s over and look how happy I am now and let me tell you how to do it, too.”

My word for last year was Unleashed. That is exactly what I lived, feeling the straps and shackles unlock. And this year it is Freedom which I’m now understanding is making space for myself in a new way. Carving out a bigger space for my voice, my wildness, my writing, my happiness, my financial stability and play. All while taking my place in the waking of the (forgive the intensity of the description) over-consumption-greed-controlling-planetary-rape nightmare that we’ve been enduring. 

I know it’s not the truth of who we are or all we are capable of.

I’m not afraid anymore. 

I invite the part that I am to play in this collective-trauma-release-event we find ourselves in to move me. To find its shape through me in full expression using every ounce. 

May love have its way with me and my life from this moment on.

Valerie KausenComment